Wherever you go, there you are. Or something like that.

While I am cavalier and sometimes even a bit flippant about my Lady of Leisure status, in all honesty, I didn't come to this place without guilt or regret. At times over the last year or so, when I've felt particularly feckless, I've chastised myself for career decisions I did or didn't make because, until a couple of months ago, all of them would've meant I was employed. However, that changed on November 2nd. But, we'll get back to that...

Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." I think we all overanalyze aspects of our lives. Some focus on economic vitality, some on their love lives while others simply think about the superficial things like body image and appearances. It's so easy to get caught up in the "what ifs" of decisions we didn't make because every day we're confronted with hundreds of choices. I mean, for Christ's sake, is there a NEED for so many different kinds of laundry detergent!?! I just wanted to run in and grab some the other day and I spent an eternity trying to sort through them all. With fabric softener, without fabric softener, mountain scented, field scented, non-scented, with bleach alternative, without bleach alternative, with odor-killing somethingoranother BEYOND the odor-killing angel wing scent. Honestly, it's just soap! But, if I can be unsure about whether I chose the right detergent for my clothes, imagine the anxiety major life decisions can cause!

I'm somewhat cursed with an exaggerated nostalgic complex. It's not that I live in history, per se, but I do spend a lot of time looking back and analyzing what I see there. And, as helpful as it could've been in a lot of circumstances, I've never been a "shit happens"/"deal with it and move on"/"what's done is done" person, either. I'm more of a, "Goddamn it, Anna! Why did you do ____ when you could've done _____ if you'd just done ______! But nooooooooo. You had to do things the wrong way!" Wow. It turns out I'm my own fishwife. Awesome.

Anyway, on November 3rd I awoke to a political world turned upside down. Massive democratic defeats in Minnesota and across the nation changed the political landscape and while I was sad for friends and colleagues who were losing their jobs, the results were like a liberation for me!

Between 2005 and 2008, I had a lot of career momentum. I started working on my first campaigns as a paid staffer, I worked at the Minnesota House of Representatives, and I ran a Congressional campaign. I moved from one exciting position to another, fielded offers and made choices that at the time, seemed like the best ones I could've made. However, November of 2008, after a crushing defeat, I began to question whether the choices I'd made were wise.

I went to work at the Minnesota House at the request of one of the candidates I worked for in the '06 election. I was also offered a position with the Senator I worked for in that election, but I chose the House instead. Within 6 months, it became apparent that the "reason" for which I'd taken the job was less-than-committed and I began questioning my decision not to go to work for the Senator. Then, the Congressional campaign came up and I was spared from having to live out that first decision. When the year I spent on the campaign ended in a loss, I found myself regretting (only slightly, this time) having left a secure job with benefits. As work grew harder to find, my feelings of regret intensified. But, on November 3rd of this year, I was released from all of that.

Had I taken the job with the Senator instead of the Representative, I would now be out of a job, as he lost his election. If I'd stayed at the House, I would have been subjected to the complete gutting that took place within the staff and I would've most certainly have lost my job. Had I kept it, I am certain the stress of the working environment I would've had to endure during the process and after, would've taken their toll. I've kept in touch with some good friends who did stay and they indicated that even HR was recommending people increase their anti-depressants. Finally, had we won the Congressional race, with the political climate that existed this year, we would've certainly lost the election and I would, again, be out of a job. In short, no matter what I'd decided in the last five years, the outcome would've been the same. There is freedom and relief in knowing this.

As it is, I am lucky. My time since the 2008 elections has been spent getting my life in order, learning a skill (I am now an Aveda-trained massage therapist), reconnecting with friends and making my way in new directions. If I were just now being thrust out into the cold ranks of the unemployed, after all of the focus on it nationally, I believe the fear would be paralyzing. Also, had I spent another two years eating, sleeping and breathing politics, I might believe there was nothing else I am suited for. As it turns out, it may be one of the few things I'm not well-suited for. But, I'd never know that if I hadn't been forced to try other things and explore new options.

Mostly, I'm just glad that now I can stop blaming myself for my current employment status. I am working and that's more than a lot of my friends and former colleagues can say. I also have two years of perspective that I've gained and there's real worth in that. The best of this is a comfort with discomfort. Not knowing bothers me less and less all the time and I really do believe that there's a reason for the cliche, "Wherever you go, there you are." Or, maybe more appropriately, "Whatever you choose, there's your choice."

Dutch Women Don't Get Depressed

http://www.slate.com/id/2274736/ In this article by Jessica Olien, she discusses the women of the Netherlands and how they have taken women's liberation and actualized it in a way that truly gives them options and dignity. Rather than a "half to", their involvement in the work force can be a "get to". Unlike their American counterparts, who are constantly trying to fulfill some kind of evil mash-up between Donna Reed and Hillary Clinton, they are finding better mental and physical health by choosing lives that include careers but are not dominated by them.

Having met some Dutch women while studying abroad in college, I can tell you this much--they are cool. Not only is their English so good that at first I thought they might be Americans or Canadians, but they also seemed to achieve, what I believe to be, the epitome of well-adjusted male/female friendships. For some reason (and I won't elaborate on this observation), much of Europe and the UK have not yet embraced a casual coed dynamic. But, the Dutch women projected a confidence, casualness and ease that impressed me. Maybe it is because they were raised with the certainty, not merely the belief, that they could actually choose their own life trajectory. Or, maybe I'm projecting my own disappointment with American "values" on them. Maybe they were just healthy, happy, financially secure, well-educated, interesting women.

I've often looked at the way American society views life choices like higher education, marriage, careers and children. I've wondered endlessly about the double-standards and contradictions we place on these areas and how we break them down and justify them by gender, socioeconomic, racial and geographical status. For example, when my charming and stalwart boyfriend proposed to me when I was 21, my friends and family in Minnesota were thrilled. However, it shocked my East Coast friends, who couldn't believe people even thought about marriage until 30. They all told me things like, "It must be a midwest thing" and "I can't imagine planning like that at our age". More broadly, we aren't shocked to hear of single mothers in their late teens coming from areas of lower income, but an unwed mother and teacher in the suburbs causes parents unease because of the questions their kids might ask.

I think the real shame of the American Dream is that it has morphed into this belief that we have to be someone famous, incredible or noteworthy to achieve it. The American Dream was supposed to be about shaking off the binds of centuries of being told our destinies by a king or oppressor. It was about opening up opportunities for advancement to those who desired. It was about letting people lead the lives they saw fit to lead without judgement or punishment. It wasn't about making girls feel bad for not being thin, or raising our children to think they are entitled to whatever they want whenever the want it. It wasn't about telling a smart person their talent is wasted if they don't become a doctor or a professional, or about making someone feel inadequate for doing a service job they enjoy.

Maybe the reason Dutch women don't get depressed is because they aren't all trying to compare themselves to Hollywood actresses or reality TV celebrities. Maybe it's because they all get quality education and health and medical care so they don't have to be stressed about loans and insurance. Maybe it's because they bike everywhere, instead of spending hours a day in a car, road-raging. Maybe it's because they can choose to have or not have a family and do so married or unmarried and their acceptance into society will be the same regardless of the choice.

I'm inclined to think it's all of these things.

A Brief Hiatus

First, my apologies for the extended break I took from this blook. Life got in my way. Just when I thought I had everything going in the right direction, the weekend from Hell got me. First, I just need to say, Karma is, in fact, a bitch. At the very least, a cruel mistress. Long story short, one bad weekend left me less one car, my health and my economic stability. But, now I once again have wheels, my health and a fairly firm grasp on my finances, so I can resume my LoL activities.

I've determined something recently about myself, that I'm ashamed to admit; I need to get a life. Somehow, I've gotten so wrapped up in finding work and so resigned to my rural life, that I no longer have hobbies that I pursue. It took an argument with my manfriend to illuminate it for me, but I no longer do any of the things that I used to do for release and fulfillment.

Sure, I have friends and every now and then I see them for an evening or a lunch. But, I stopped meeting my workout buddy because I now live in a place with a free facility. Sure, I'm no longer paying for my workouts, but I'm also not enjoying them and they've become much less frequent.

I don't sing anymore except for in my car. It got so bad a few weeks ago that I had to stop and mock myself. If there was a legitimate award for over-the-top car singing, I'd be this year's winner. From 5th grade until I graduated from college, singing in some capacity was always my therapy. The combination of the musical and social aspects were magical for me. I can't believe it's been over six years since I sang with a group.

I don't fill my days. I used to thrive on filled days. Not necessarily activity at every moment, but a sense of a schedule during which I fit in work, social engagements, hobbies, study or reading, down time and meals. It made the days when I got a cancellation or a break from one of those things, seem special. I used to get gleeful when I could cross something out of my planner. Now, I often struggle to fill my days and I look forward to getting to write things into that same planner. Strangely, when I was busy all the time, I never needed the planner because some part of my brain took care of remembering all of my appointments. Now, I need to look at it daily just to remember the simplest schedule. I believe my brian might actually be atrophying.

The Lady of Leisure challenge from now until the end of the year is to get a life. I'm prepared to take my own challenge and document my progress daily. As usual, I will be brutally honest. With any luck, I'll be able to make this into a real turn-around and not just a temporary change. But, fear of relapse is no reason not to try!

Maxim #2

Be Good and Generous--To Yourself.

Think of how often you've splurged for the perfect, if extravagant, gift for a friend or family member. The goal was their joy at receiving the gift (if it wasn't, examine your motivations--seriously). Why shouldn't we seek to do the same for ourselves?

I don't mean you should saturate your credit card with things you can't afford, but a Lady of Leisure should value herself enough to be willing to put a little extra forward for her own enjoyment. For example, you wouldn't buy a sad bottle of wine as a gift for someone else, so why would you limit yourself to only buying cheap wine? Also, there's no difference between buying $20 jewelry several times a month and splurging once on a really fabulous $300 something. Furthermore, whether you're single or not, there is NEVER a reason to stay at a HoJo when you could stay somewhere lovely where you might actually feel comfortable closing your eyes.

I'm not advocating financial irresponsibility--I'm just saying that if we're going to work hard, we should feel as though we do so for our own luxury once in awhile. Most of us are aware that few rewards will come to us by way of others, so it's up to us to reward ourselves once in awhile.

The Ambition Condition | Bitch Magazine

The Ambition Condition | Bitch Magazine

Are We What We Do?

One of the things I've struggled with most in my newfound LoLdom is my identity. For nearly two decades, I've been an ambitious doer. I was the doingest middle schooler, for which I earned a nifty plaque. Then I was the doingest high schooler, this time earning me a nifty trophy. The trend continued through college and into my first career. However, outside of academia, I quickly learned a cruel lesson--no one gave a shit what I did.

Before I began a career in politics, I gave hours and hours of my time and energy to building relationships, helping candidates and generally being as available for whatever as I could be, in the hopes of establishing a reputation for myself and a certain trust and confidence in my dedication. It was this free time and energy, this above-and-beyondness that earned me my first political job and all the others after. The funny thing is, the minute I started making a buck, all of that goodwill went out the window and suddenly I was just like all of the other overworked, under-appreciated, "incompetent" young people working in my field. Regardless, the challenges of the work and the minute crumbs of achievement made it worth the criticism.

But what now?

I can't get a job directly in the political realm anymore, and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. That being said, for four years, it was how I DEFINED myself. I was a hard-working, strategically-thinking, stress-managing machine. And then, it was done. For years I had worked without boundaries or limits. I alienated my friends because I was never available, I strained family relationships by asking them for limitless patience with my schedule and demands, I sacrificed meaningful relationships because I ate, slept and breathed another person's ambitious agenda, and I drained myself so fully that what interactions people DID have with me were pathetically vacant. To cap it off, I developed an ulcer, just to prove that the stress I was under was real and acute.

Obviously, I haven't found the same kind of employment since. What I have found is friendship, recreation, vacation, hobby, fun, free-time, sleep, calm, interests and love. I've found LEISURE.

For decades I didn't know it was missing! Now that I have it, I can't imagine forsaking it again.

Still, it's hard for me when someone says, "What do you do?"

There was a time I would've immediately told them I worked on political campaigns (btw, this is a GREAT way to dodge a d-bag at a bar...), but now, I feel compelled to tell them ANYTHING else. I'm a reader. I'm a BB-gun shooter. I'm a singer. I'm a modest gardner and avid fisherwoman. I'm an outdoorswoman and a lover of old movies. All of these things are more interesting and more true to the question than my occupation.

I understand, now, why stay-at-home-mothers have such a hard time socializing. Our culture is all about money and how we make it. There was a time when what someone did was just what they did. If your family had a farm, you inherited it. If the men in your family were doctors, that's what you were, too. But where does that leave women? For centuries women were childbearing, cleaning, cooking, sewing, washing entities. Then we busted out--but the deal wasn't necessarily a sweet one. Now, we are all of those things AND we need to be more. We're supposed to be ambitious and intelligent in our careers, look nice, find nice men, make good kids, keep cute homes, have great friends, be good community members and do it without being bitches. Women's lib be damned! Women's suffrage and all that followed was supposed to ALLOW women to do everything, not MANDATE it!

I'm endeavoring to relieve myself of this pressure, but it's not going to be easy. First, I have to give myself an effing break; I don't need to have an amazing career to be an amazing person. Second, I have to accept my essential nature; I'm an introvert. All of those years of constant contact and being "on" burned me out prematurely. Just like an athlete who blows their knee by pushing themselves too hard for too long, so I did to my soul. I can never again pretend to have infinite patience and endless enthusiasm. Instead, I'm going to have to work--a day at a time--at accepting my own need for leisure. Ladies, I suggest you do the same.

Maxim #1

There is a tongue-in-cheekness about the idea of being a Lady of Leisure (or, indeed, a Lad of Leisure). It isn't entirely a lifestyle--it is a state of mind.

Interspersed in this blook will be maxims. These will be the things that I have come to see as defining a Lady or Lad of Leisure.

The first is this: Girlfriends are great, Partners in Crime (PICs) are better.

In order to fully embrace your LOLness, you're going to need people in your life who support what you're about, not resent it. Cut the fat. It's time to say goodbye to the endlessly bitching, frequently judging, constantly fault-finding friends. There is NOTHING leisurely about being made to feel guilty because you are a busy person or because you don't watch bad reality TV. There is nothing leisurely about being condemned for a drunken night or a misguided decision or a temporary departure from your "you-ness".

FIND YOURSELF SOME PEOPLE WHO WANT TO LIVE!!!! You need ladies who will encourage you to do the things that bring you joy and who don't begrudge you some selfishness in your life. If they happen to be game for some BB-Gun shooting, all the better.