Why This Matters

I want to begin by clarifying that I'm not writing this because I think I'm unique--quite the opposite. I'm writing this because I think I am remarkably unremarkable. There are thousands of Americans like me. Individuals who were raised to think we were special, smart, talented, and destined for greatness. Like thousands, I believed that this provided some sort of assurance. I believed this was some kind of guarantee that if I continued down a path of achievement and distinction, that I couldn't possibly fail. Not at anything. I really wish there would've been a chapter somewhere, in all of that narrative of success that I'd grown up on like Cheerios, on the danger of delusion.

I have dozens of these T-shirts we were given in high school as rewards for good attendance and grades. They were given out every trimester and I'd like to think I was too cool to be motivated by a crappy T-shirt, but I wasn't. Just like the T-shirts demanded, I reached for excellence. Not just for the obvious rich reward that only cheap clothing can deliver, but because I found my identity in being "good". I was a good student, a good girlfriend, a good joiner and a good kid. This goodness branded me and what started as my own insanely high expectations became, I believed, others' insanely high expectations of me as well.

Let me just say here, there is no drug like approval. Once you get it, you don't want to lose it. You find that you need it all the time and when it's withdrawn, you'll do anything to get it back. You know you have a real problem when you go looking for it in areas that you never needed it before and when you find it, it just never seems like enough. But, unlike traditional addictions, admitting it's a problem doesn't elicit concern from those around you. Disgust, maybe. Skepticism, absolutely. After all, how could being good at everything be a burden? How could someone so charmed be worthy of sympathy?