Better to Screw Up Now

I had an interesting conversation with my friend Timmy recently. Actually, all of my conversations with Timmy are interesting if for no other reason than that he's in the foreign service and even though technology has existed for some time to make this possible, I still get a kick out of the fact that I can have a real-time conversation with someone in Africa from my living room. Nothing short of amazing. But I digress...

This particular conversation was interesting because we were discussing our mutually less-than-exemplary relationship histories. Timmy has also been divorced and we often discuss how hard it can be to move forward with new relationships as divorcees in our 20s. Sure, divorce is common--60% of marriages end in divorce now and the success rate of committed relationships in general, doesn't seem to inspire much confidence. But, ours were both short, whirlwind, reluctant marriages and now we're on the other side of them and still dealing with a sense we have that others see us as flighty, and a lack of confidence in our own abilities to determine when we've found the "real thing".

Somehow we got to talking about our friends who dated in high school, stayed together through college, got married and bought houses, and are now onto having kids and wondering how they do it. How did they know back before we could vote or drink or stay out past curfew that they'd found the one? Who you attend public high school with is a matter of geography--how is it possible that they found their LIFE mate within a five-mile radius when I have lived around the world and have only just recently located mine? Let's be clear, I don't believe there is just one person for everyone. But even though I've tried on my share, I haven't really found a good fit until now. I'm willing to accept that I'm probably the Marshall's "Slightly Irregular", as opposed to the Nordstrom "couture collection", but still...

Timmy responded by saying, "Yeah, but they're cruising for the stereotypical mid-life crisis, whereas we already got it out of the way." Not only did I love his cynicism (although I do NOT harbor ill-will toward any of my happily-married friends), but a light bulb went off in my head. I'd never thought of it that way! While the emotional scarring to ourselves and our significant others was real and horrible, we experienced it while we were young and before we owned homes, bought cars, shared bank accounts, or (GOD FORBID!), had children.

We both grew up with divorced parents and most of our friends didn't. But, we were high-achieving (Mr. and Ms. Most Valuable Senior), relatively well-adjusted, and observant. Neither of us were abused, neglected or subjected to the horrors some kids experience with step family integration, but we did experience some of the inherent discomfort and disruption that comes along with being a kid in a divorce situation. At an early age, I vowed that I was, "never going to get divorced." I assumed, of course, that I'd do things the way my parents did and get married at a young age, have some kids relatively soon afterward and settle into my family life. It never occurred to me that what I was really saying was, "I'm never going to put my kids through a divorce."

I'm sure there is research on this somewhere. I'm sure that the unprecidented divorce rate amongst baby boomers has prompted researchers to look more closely at their children and the choices they make as a result of the popular parenting trends and methods used on them. I'd be interested to see what those studies conclude. Of course, overlapping data about level of education, socioeconomics, and gender would also be important, since clearly family alone doesn't determine behavioral trends. All of this would be interesting, but for now, I'm just relieved by the anecdotal implications.

I am not proud of the way I've conducted my love life. I've been immature, stubborn, dramatic, unfair, and at times, a little pathetic. But, I've also been devoted, faithful, generous, patient and honest. I know my capacity for love is huge and that I make a good partner. I am fairly confident that the next time I embark on a serious relationship, I'll be doing so with a substantial arsenal of knowledge, experience and soberness. I'm also fairly sure that the mistakes of my 20s are just that--mistakes. And, fortunately, I didn't have to make the decisions I've made with anyone but myself and my partner in mind--yet another revealing piece of wisdom and perspective I've gained from my misadventurous 20s and just in time for me to embark on what I hope will be a more flattering decade for me.

The Secret to Happiness Is...

Low expectations!

That's right. Keep your expectations low and you will be happy with whatever you can get. According to this article I read , it is a long-held secret of the Danish people and now it's found its way across the Atlantic to the US. Admittedly, the Danes are in a better position to KEEP their expectations low. Denmark is a country of 5.5 million people, of whom, 90.9% are 100% Danish, (therefore, there's no need for an Affirmative Action equivalent). They are also a Monarchy and have been forever, so the people are accustomed to having decisions made for them and therefore feel little pressure, I'd imagine, to become overly invested in matters of State. There is also relatively little wage disparity and education is free for all citizens, virtually eliminating crime, greed and corrupt ambition. Even Oprah said that, "a simple life and strong social system make Denmark one of the best places on Earth to live."

Would that I were Danish.

But, I'm an American. America, a country with vast wage disparity, overpriced-underfunded education and a legacy of "boot straps" founders. A country where ambition is admired but also where complacency is tolerated. A country of great diversity where opportunity is limitless and wealth is encouraged. A country where hard work and perseverance are the keys to success and achievement. A country where everyone's expectations are too high, including mine.

I recently talked to a family member who informed me that I should start adjusting to the idea that I will never achieve much more than a comfortable life. I will probably never find a long-term career that will actualize my potential, I will probably never make enough money to have a family of any size, and I will probably always be haunted by my early employment because it will portray me as a liberal-leftest-opportunistic-female-liability. Great. Now they tell me.

The truth is, I agree with the Danes. It IS about keeping your expectations low--but not ALL of your expectations. It's about being okay with the fact that you may never be a CEO or President of anything, but it's not about being okay with the idea that you shouldn't still strive for the things you want. I can accept a bad economy and some tough breaks, but I also know that there are still ways that I can feel successful and capable within a broken system. Part of what makes the Danes happy with their lot (besides the astronomical wealth most enjoy compared to the rest of the world), is a healthy attitude about family, recreation and education. They travel, they enjoy culture and art, they embrace leisure and they take pride in who they are and where they come from.

Very few people can derive all of their necessary reward from their occupation. Where Americans have gone wrong is that we've let all of the other parts of a happy foundation fall to a lower status, in pursuit of money and importance. We have strained marriages, struggling parents, loose family affiliations, weak ties to faith/spirituality, and our internal directional compases are confused. We expect so much of ourselves and others around us that we can't help but find disappointment everywhere we look.

There is no "Secret to Happiness". Maybe it's a combination of expectations and achievement. Maybe it's faith and purpose. Maybe it's fulfillment and foundation. Regardless, it's a state of mind and the only way we adjust that is internally. I've found it through a greater appreciation of all of the things in my life that have NOTHING to do with my career.

You Can Only Become Truly Accomplished at Something You Love.

You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don't make money your goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can't take their eyes off you.

Maya Angelou

Maxim #3

Take yourself seriously--but not too seriously.

It's hard in times like these, when maybe you're still living with roommates, maybe a boyfriend, maybe (gulp) your parents, to believe that you are an adult and worth being taken seriously. But, you are.

Where you live, mistakes you've made, what you watch on TV (or don't), your makeup and how you do your hair, and whether or not you listen to public radio, do NOT define you. What defines you is how you treat people, what you take an interest in and the attitude with which you approach each day.

So, I say, approach each day as though your existence matters to those around you, the fulfillment you derive from each day is directly proportional to your own expectations and not others', and your contribution is valid even in its smallest measure if you bring kindness, joy and respect to your interactions with others.

They forgot #9--Whatever you do, don't be yourself.

I am by no means a rabid feminist. But, when I read spew like this article by CNN's Stephanie Chen, I want to throw away my makeup, buy myself some androgynous footwear and commit to a monochromatic, shapeless wardrobe, JUST out of spite!

Maybe my perspective on this is off, but what I read was that you must be bitchy; pretend to be "one-of-the-guys" by taking up hobbies you don't enjoy; make sure not to be even mildly emotional; accept that the intellect of the guy in the cubical next to you is enough to warrant a promotion for him but that yours does not; take your lumps while being sure to feel confident enough to assert yourself; remember to look nice and keep your sentences simple for the sake of others' comprehension and THIS will get you ahead. What a crock of unbelievable shit.

Nice girls do get corner offices, actually. And they do it by being reliable, competent, intelligent and the last person their boss believes would hit him/her with their car to steal a parking spot. I know this to be true--loyalty and reliability mean everything in this marketplace, male or female. There's a reason the offers that have come my way since attempting to work my way up through the campaign world have been incredibly honoring. They have come from people who saw my work, sure. But they actually saw me in my work and believe that I am a person who cares more about the job than the title. And, they're right.

Chen did get one thing right--don't expect it to be fair. Don't expect employers to ever look at you as anything other than a liability for one reason and one reason only--maternity. Women make and take care of families. Wouldn't it be nice if your kid didn't need to be picked up at daycare and you could go out and have beers with the guys? Wouldn't it be nice if groceries didn't need to be purchased and no one needed to get to soccer practice and there wasn't a band concert featuring the worst and most loved clarinet player ever? Wouldn't it be nice if that golf game wasn't interrupted by a call from a babysitter over a sick kid or if those tears weren't actually because you couldn't handle your bosses criticism, but because you are exhausted from constantly being mentally and emotionally in a dozen places at once?

This article is great for the self-serving and luxuriously self-centered women out there who have just chosen to have careers. The women who hope for a 401k and a health plan, not because they expect to need maternity coverage or to actually retire, but because it will be nice to cash some of that in for a car that befits their reserved space in the ramp and the benefits will be great in case they elect for whiter teeth or a discount on their gym membership to keep themselves looking the part.

Excuse my rant. Really. It's just that it's a joke to pretend that 8 simple steps are all it will take for a woman to get ahead when it's been more than 8 decades since we got the right to vote and Supreme Court Justices are debating whether women have ever been discriminated against, much less whether they are currently.

Wherever you go, there you are. Or something like that.

While I am cavalier and sometimes even a bit flippant about my Lady of Leisure status, in all honesty, I didn't come to this place without guilt or regret. At times over the last year or so, when I've felt particularly feckless, I've chastised myself for career decisions I did or didn't make because, until a couple of months ago, all of them would've meant I was employed. However, that changed on November 2nd. But, we'll get back to that...

Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." I think we all overanalyze aspects of our lives. Some focus on economic vitality, some on their love lives while others simply think about the superficial things like body image and appearances. It's so easy to get caught up in the "what ifs" of decisions we didn't make because every day we're confronted with hundreds of choices. I mean, for Christ's sake, is there a NEED for so many different kinds of laundry detergent!?! I just wanted to run in and grab some the other day and I spent an eternity trying to sort through them all. With fabric softener, without fabric softener, mountain scented, field scented, non-scented, with bleach alternative, without bleach alternative, with odor-killing somethingoranother BEYOND the odor-killing angel wing scent. Honestly, it's just soap! But, if I can be unsure about whether I chose the right detergent for my clothes, imagine the anxiety major life decisions can cause!

I'm somewhat cursed with an exaggerated nostalgic complex. It's not that I live in history, per se, but I do spend a lot of time looking back and analyzing what I see there. And, as helpful as it could've been in a lot of circumstances, I've never been a "shit happens"/"deal with it and move on"/"what's done is done" person, either. I'm more of a, "Goddamn it, Anna! Why did you do ____ when you could've done _____ if you'd just done ______! But nooooooooo. You had to do things the wrong way!" Wow. It turns out I'm my own fishwife. Awesome.

Anyway, on November 3rd I awoke to a political world turned upside down. Massive democratic defeats in Minnesota and across the nation changed the political landscape and while I was sad for friends and colleagues who were losing their jobs, the results were like a liberation for me!

Between 2005 and 2008, I had a lot of career momentum. I started working on my first campaigns as a paid staffer, I worked at the Minnesota House of Representatives, and I ran a Congressional campaign. I moved from one exciting position to another, fielded offers and made choices that at the time, seemed like the best ones I could've made. However, November of 2008, after a crushing defeat, I began to question whether the choices I'd made were wise.

I went to work at the Minnesota House at the request of one of the candidates I worked for in the '06 election. I was also offered a position with the Senator I worked for in that election, but I chose the House instead. Within 6 months, it became apparent that the "reason" for which I'd taken the job was less-than-committed and I began questioning my decision not to go to work for the Senator. Then, the Congressional campaign came up and I was spared from having to live out that first decision. When the year I spent on the campaign ended in a loss, I found myself regretting (only slightly, this time) having left a secure job with benefits. As work grew harder to find, my feelings of regret intensified. But, on November 3rd of this year, I was released from all of that.

Had I taken the job with the Senator instead of the Representative, I would now be out of a job, as he lost his election. If I'd stayed at the House, I would have been subjected to the complete gutting that took place within the staff and I would've most certainly have lost my job. Had I kept it, I am certain the stress of the working environment I would've had to endure during the process and after, would've taken their toll. I've kept in touch with some good friends who did stay and they indicated that even HR was recommending people increase their anti-depressants. Finally, had we won the Congressional race, with the political climate that existed this year, we would've certainly lost the election and I would, again, be out of a job. In short, no matter what I'd decided in the last five years, the outcome would've been the same. There is freedom and relief in knowing this.

As it is, I am lucky. My time since the 2008 elections has been spent getting my life in order, learning a skill (I am now an Aveda-trained massage therapist), reconnecting with friends and making my way in new directions. If I were just now being thrust out into the cold ranks of the unemployed, after all of the focus on it nationally, I believe the fear would be paralyzing. Also, had I spent another two years eating, sleeping and breathing politics, I might believe there was nothing else I am suited for. As it turns out, it may be one of the few things I'm not well-suited for. But, I'd never know that if I hadn't been forced to try other things and explore new options.

Mostly, I'm just glad that now I can stop blaming myself for my current employment status. I am working and that's more than a lot of my friends and former colleagues can say. I also have two years of perspective that I've gained and there's real worth in that. The best of this is a comfort with discomfort. Not knowing bothers me less and less all the time and I really do believe that there's a reason for the cliche, "Wherever you go, there you are." Or, maybe more appropriately, "Whatever you choose, there's your choice."