I had an interesting conversation with my friend Timmy recently. Actually, all of my conversations with Timmy are interesting if for no other reason than that he's in the foreign service and even though technology has existed for some time to make this possible, I still get a kick out of the fact that I can have a real-time conversation with someone in Africa from my living room. Nothing short of amazing. But I digress...
This particular conversation was interesting because we were discussing our mutually less-than-exemplary relationship histories. Timmy has also been divorced and we often discuss how hard it can be to move forward with new relationships as divorcees in our 20s. Sure, divorce is common--60% of marriages end in divorce now and the success rate of committed relationships in general, doesn't seem to inspire much confidence. But, ours were both short, whirlwind, reluctant marriages and now we're on the other side of them and still dealing with a sense we have that others see us as flighty, and a lack of confidence in our own abilities to determine when we've found the "real thing".
Somehow we got to talking about our friends who dated in high school, stayed together through college, got married and bought houses, and are now onto having kids and wondering how they do it. How did they know back before we could vote or drink or stay out past curfew that they'd found the one? Who you attend public high school with is a matter of geography--how is it possible that they found their LIFE mate within a five-mile radius when I have lived around the world and have only just recently located mine? Let's be clear, I don't believe there is just one person for everyone. But even though I've tried on my share, I haven't really found a good fit until now. I'm willing to accept that I'm probably the Marshall's "Slightly Irregular", as opposed to the Nordstrom "couture collection", but still...
Timmy responded by saying, "Yeah, but they're cruising for the stereotypical mid-life crisis, whereas we already got it out of the way." Not only did I love his cynicism (although I do NOT harbor ill-will toward any of my happily-married friends), but a light bulb went off in my head. I'd never thought of it that way! While the emotional scarring to ourselves and our significant others was real and horrible, we experienced it while we were young and before we owned homes, bought cars, shared bank accounts, or (GOD FORBID!), had children.
We both grew up with divorced parents and most of our friends didn't. But, we were high-achieving (Mr. and Ms. Most Valuable Senior), relatively well-adjusted, and observant. Neither of us were abused, neglected or subjected to the horrors some kids experience with step family integration, but we did experience some of the inherent discomfort and disruption that comes along with being a kid in a divorce situation. At an early age, I vowed that I was, "never going to get divorced." I assumed, of course, that I'd do things the way my parents did and get married at a young age, have some kids relatively soon afterward and settle into my family life. It never occurred to me that what I was really saying was, "I'm never going to put my kids through a divorce."
I'm sure there is research on this somewhere. I'm sure that the unprecidented divorce rate amongst baby boomers has prompted researchers to look more closely at their children and the choices they make as a result of the popular parenting trends and methods used on them. I'd be interested to see what those studies conclude. Of course, overlapping data about level of education, socioeconomics, and gender would also be important, since clearly family alone doesn't determine behavioral trends. All of this would be interesting, but for now, I'm just relieved by the anecdotal implications.
I am not proud of the way I've conducted my love life. I've been immature, stubborn, dramatic, unfair, and at times, a little pathetic. But, I've also been devoted, faithful, generous, patient and honest. I know my capacity for love is huge and that I make a good partner. I am fairly confident that the next time I embark on a serious relationship, I'll be doing so with a substantial arsenal of knowledge, experience and soberness. I'm also fairly sure that the mistakes of my 20s are just that--mistakes. And, fortunately, I didn't have to make the decisions I've made with anyone but myself and my partner in mind--yet another revealing piece of wisdom and perspective I've gained from my misadventurous 20s and just in time for me to embark on what I hope will be a more flattering decade for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment